Vise-Grips: Truly The Best Tool In The Entire World.

The Greatest Tool In The World
The Greatest Tool In The World

If you have never used Irwin brand Vise-Grips, you need to reevaluate your goals in life.  They are so unbelievably awesome, that human words cannot describe them.  They should be the prize that you win in every contest throughout life.  Graduation from anything should get you a set of vise grips.  Instead of worthless tokens & tickets, arcade games should hand kids Vise-Grips with every new high score.  Birthday parties should be limited to Vise-Grip related gifts only.  Every car coming off the assembly line should have a pair of Vise-Grips attached to a panel in the trunk.  If aliens do really exist, they are likely just coming to earth to try to get some new Vise Grips.  If something goes horrible wrong in 2012, you better hope that somebody tucked away a pair of Vise-Grips in a secret chamber. Without them, we will all be doomed.

Vise Grips Can:

– Open Vise-Grips that are so tightly gripped that the only way you can open them is with more Vise-Grips.

– Take the place of every size socket, wrench, and screwdriver you own

– Tear things off / apart

– Remove flywheels

– Hold things while you weld  / grind / cut them

– Temporarily & permanently hold parts onto your vehicle for inspection purposes

– Break stuff when you want to break it

– Remove all the broken stuff that you broke

– Hammer on stuff (not recommended, but it works)

– Pinch you into submission

– Turn stuff that is stuck or not meant to be turned

– Hold up your hood / hatch

– Crush imposters that fail to grip, and always slip.

– Survive the worst that you can throw at them

– Laugh at other tools when they can’t successfully do their intended job

– Ever-so-gently grab gentle stuff

– Work forever, no matter how long your forget them in the rain.

Full Disclosure: I truly love Vise Grips this much, and even if I owned 100 of them I would still need more.  Would I trade your lunch for a pair of Vise-Grips?  You better believe I would.  Sure we have all been bitten by them a couple times, but that is just the Vise-Grips’ way of  saying “Excuse me mere mortal, my supernatural grip is mightier than all.  Respect the grip or the pain of a blood blister will be bestowed upon thee!!”

Jeremy Nutt

Hi, I'm Jeremy.

10 thoughts on “Vise-Grips: Truly The Best Tool In The Entire World.

  1. Funny you posted this yesterday. It turns out I needed a pair about 36 times while working on the Rabbit, but of course couldn’t find any. Needlenose pliers and an adjustable wrench make a poor substitute.

  2. There is not a day that goes by where I don’t need Vise-Grips. Maybe Irwin should invent a thin wallet version to keep on you at all times.

    Also, needle nose pliers are 10x more dangerous than any other type of pliers. When you begin to think that needle nose pliers “might just work”, you have official begun the turn of events that leads all the way to the hospital.

  3. As a proud DSM owner, I must say that the tool that I use most is a pair of Vise-Grips. And owning a DSM, I work on my car almost daily. Best. Invention. Everrrrrrr.

  4. Wow I’m surprised I haven’t read this one yet. Vise grips are also handy as a poor mans line lock. Pinch your rubber rear brake line with them, stomp the brake and throttle at the same time, and watch something magical happen. Everyone loves burnouts*! Especially now you can do it till the tires pop. Which over the coarse of 1-3 minutes can make it look like somethings on fire.

    Note:* the cops do not like seeing this happen even on private property. Doing it on Christmas day probably didn’t help.

  5. well put. unfortunately they are being made by aliens now is a shame. i would gladly fork over a few extra bucks to have them made here in america again. think about it irwin, we have trusted you for many years and paid with american money. how about giving us an american made quality tool made by americans.

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